Officer Down
by Spoiler94
Summary: She wasn't sure which would be more difficult:  finding her mother's killer, or staying away from Castle after he professed his love.  Picks up right after 3x24.  T for now - may go M later.
1. Chapter 1

Kate lay alone in the hospital room, waiting for the all clear from her detail. No one could know that she hadn't actually died on the way to the hospital – not her partners, not her best friend, not even her dad. If this was going to work, if they were really going to catch this guy, she had to be dead to the world.

She thought of the devastation that this would bring and hoped that once it was over they could all forgive her, and hope that it wouldn't be too late. She hoped that her father's eight years of sobriety could sustain him now, and that he would be able to ignore the temptation to return to the bottle. She thought of Esposito and Ryan, who had just been betrayed by their Captain and were now having to deal with the loss of their lead detective. She thought of Lanie, her absolute best friend in the world, now left to help support Esposito while dealing with her own grief. But most of all, she thought of Castle.

After the way they left things during the investigation, then the night at the hanger, she hoped that he wouldn't drown himself in seeking forgiveness. His declaration of love to her at the cemetery had rocked her. She'd never expected it, but the look in his eyes, the terrified stares that he gave her with his tears falling on her face. She wished that she could have held her hands to his face and silenced his pain. His words had made her doubt the entire plan, but she knew that she could not contact him – it would place both him and Alexis in grave danger should anyone else learn that she was alive.

As she lay with silent tears falling from her face, an older doctor in scrubs and a lab coat walked in with her chart. "Officer Franklin, you're quite lucky. So many officers have been ignoring the orders on wearing their vests lately, makes me wonder why the city spent all the money to provide them. You did have a cracked rib from the impact, but nothing that a few days off won't cure. There will be extensive bruising around the impact site, and – "

"We'll take it from here doc, thanks." Kate would know that voice anywhere. Agent Jordan Shaw entered the room flashing her badge to the doctor. He nodded and said, "Very well – I'll have your discharge papers ready in just a few minutes."

Once they were alone, Jordan removed her coat and sat on the end of Kate's bed. "We couldn't find anyone at the cemetery, not even shell casings. There was only one shot fired – guy must be an ace marksman, we found residue on a stone more than 1000 feet from where you were standing."

Kate smiled half heartedly. "What can I say – I only attract the best." She looked away from Jordan, staring again out the window.

Jordan knew this pain. She'd seen it on others who'd entered the Program before. "They'll be okay Kate. Hopefully we can catch a fast lead and bust this guy before they even fill your slot at the precinct." But her humor was lost on Kate.

"If it helps, I'll reach out to them myself. Establish a bit of a bond so I can keep you updated on how they are doing. I can't convey anything back to them from you, but at least you'll know how they are."

"I'd like that. Especially Castle – Jordan things have changed with us these past few months. I knew something was there, hell you all had seen it, but finally I did too. You know what happened when I was shot? As I laid there on the ground, dye packs bleeding all over me, unable to breathe for this damn bullet that broke my rib, he looked into my eyes and told me he loved me. After all this time, after I'd given him so many opportunities, he finally said it. And all I could do was give him a quick smile and pass out from the pain."

"Kate, he'll be ok. I'll take extra special care of him – make sure I keep an eye on him. He will have a detail as well, in case this Dragon goes after anyone else who may champion your cause. That also includes your team, though they are well trained to take care of themselves."

Kate sighed. It tore her apart that in her quest to bring her mother's killer to justice she had endangered those closest to her. "Jordan, can you also keep an eye on my dad? I'm afraid…"

"I know Kate, and yes I will." It was going to be a long road ahead, but with any luck they would unravel the mystery that Kate has fought with for most of her adult life, but Kate was ready.


	2. Chapter 2

CHAPTER TWO

_Thanks for the reviews! Keep them coming!_

_Didn't do this in the last chapter, but I guess that I should say that Castle and its characters are owned by the one, the only, AM. Sigh. But I'd be happy to discuss borrowing them for a few days so I could say to Rick and Kate: WHAT ARE YOU THINKING!_

Richard Castle was lost.

He watched the most precious thing to him, besides his daughter, fade away in his arms before being loaded into an ambulance. When he reached the hospital he was told that they had lost her in the ambulance. The doctors would not let him see her, saying that he must have permission from her family, but Jim Beckett was nowhere to be found.

So Richard finally returned home. The past week had been beyond trying on him. Between Lockwood's escape, his fight with Kate, then the news that Roy Montgomery, their wise and honorable Captain, was actually the third cop in the van the night that began Pulgatti's railroading of a trial, he still hadn't had a chance to decompress. It had been three days since the terrible night in the hanger, when he had assisted the man in sacrificing his life to save Kate's. He didn't know if it was the right thing to do, but he respected Roy's wishes and knew that if he didn't that Kate, as well as Roy's family, would be dead.

But what had it mattered. She had died anyway. He felt numb. His body was lifeless, his boyish grin gone forever. He considered visiting the liquor cabinet for a bottle of scotch, but felt it was wrong knowing that was how Kate's father dealt with her mother's death. He knew that eventually he could not dull the pain, that he had to experience it all now, to get through it, so that he could move on.

But would he ever really be able to move on? How could he leave this behind? Memories of her seared into his mind, and again his chest ached. He'd never know how it felt to hold her, to truly kiss her, to make love to her. He would never get to make her pancakes in the morning, or see her holding their first born child. No, this was gone. This was permanent. This was forever.

Rather than sit there and wallow for his family to see, he retreated to his room and decided a hot shower would do the most good. He tried once more to reach Jim Beckett. He had asked Kate once to look after Alexis should something ever happen to him. Looking after her father was the least he could do in return. He heard Jim's answering machine pick up again, and left yet another message asking Jim to call him, to let him know he was ok and to see if there was anything that he could do.

Who was going to help him? Who was going to make this better for him? He knew that his mother and Alexis would do what they could, but he couldn't imagine this hole in his heart ever being repaired. He had hoped to be Kate's one and only, but it turned out that after two tries, maybe she was his.

Shedding the blood spattered clothes on the floor, Rick stepped into the steaming hot shower, impervious to the fiery hot water, and the burns it was leaving on his skin. He stood under the flowing water, trying to wash away the numbness, the pain, the anguish. When it didn't work, he thought that maybe he could let his pain out another way, and slammed the walls of the shower with his hands, his fists, his shoulders, before collapsing into the floor in billowing sobs. Richard Castle was truly broken.

After what seemed like hours, Rick turned off the water, which had finally began to run cold – quite a feat considering he had an instant hot water heater. He stepped into the bathroom and dried himself off before dressing in jeans and an NYPD tshirt. He checked his phone for messages, and saw missed calls from Ryan and Esposito, as well as one from his lobby attendant. He listened to his voice mail and decided that none were urgent enough to deal with at the moment. Ryan and Esposito were just letting him know that Beckett's father had allowed the department to handle the arrangements, and that they would let him know where to meet to organize everything. The lobby attendant said that he had a package in the office, too large to fit in his regular mail slot. Given that he was always ordering something online, he thought nothing of it at the moment and laid down in his bed, hoping that sleep would ease the burdens he carried. Several hours and several nightmares later, he relented and journeyed to the kitchen to make some hot tea to calm him.

He was startled to hear Alexis already in the kitchen, sitting alone at the counter with silent tears falling into her hot chocolate. He knew that his daughter would be heartbroken, but he had not yet been ready to deal with her devastation when he wasn't sure how to deal with his own. He walked up behind her and circled her with his arms, and they fell apart together, falling into sobbing heaps on the floor. Ironic, he thought, this is what should have happened with Kate and her father after her mother died. He wondered if it did…

Hours later, they sat on the couch in silence, holding tightly to each other's hands. They rarely spoke and it was usually only acknowledged by the other with a nod or a grunt.

"She loved you Dad. You know that right?"

"I wish I would have said something sooner to her, to tell her how I felt."

"She was more like a mother to me that my own mother was. Do you think she felt the same for me?"

Martha found the two of them together on the couch the next morning, and decided to let them be. At least they were finally sleeping, however uncomfortable it was. She heard a knock on the door, and readjusted her robe before going to answer it.

"Ms. Rodgers, this was received in yesterday's mail for Mr. Castle. We left him a message but he hadn't yet been down to pick it up, so I thought I'd run it up to him. Please let him know that the photographers are especially heavy this morning, so we're sealing off the back entrance to the garage and the car service can use that route should he need them today." With that he handed Martha a large brown manila envelope, and with a courteous nod returned to the elevator. Martha looked at the envelope, quite heavy, but with no return address. Not realizing it's importance, she put it on his desk and carried on with her morning.


	3. Chapter 3

_Still getting the hang of posting procedures, so my apologies if you didn't see chapter two…_

_Castle still isn't mine – but I'm hoping all rights are left to me in someone's will._

CHAPTER THREE

Lanie paced the floor. Something just wasn't right. The way the doctor's handled informing them – asking Kate's dad to come with them as if they were taking him to her, then coming back to inform them that she'd passed and Jim didn't want anyone to visit with her body – it was just about as far from protocol as there was. She hadn't worked in a true hospital with heartbeats since getting her license, but she still knew procedure.

What was really bothering her was that neither of the guys would listen to her. They were too wrapped up in their grief to notice the conflict, but she knew. Something was going on, and she was not going to let it go. She owed that to her best friend.

When Rick finally awoke, it was late afternoon. He thought about getting something to eat, but he was sure that it wouldn't stay down, just like everything else in the past few days. He walked into his office and picked up his phone.

"Yo Castle – how are you doing man?" Rick knew that Ryan and Esposito would not proceed on anything without him, and he knew that arrangements had to be made.

"Javier – I honestly don't know. I don't feel anything except pain. I can't breathe without her man. What am I going to do?" The tears welling up in his eyes, he took a deep breath and paused to regain his composure.

"Man, we're in the same boat. I think Lanie's done lost her mind – she keeps pacing the room, saying something's not right. I honestly don't know what to do with her."

"We'll figure this all out. I don't know how, but we will."

They agreed to meet the following morning with the department's chaplain to discuss details of Kate's memorial service. Castle insisted that she be given full honors, and that he would take care of all the expenses associated with giving his extraordinary muse a proper goodbye.

After he hung up, he noticed the brown envelope sitting on his desk with a note from Martha about it's delivery. With no return address, he saw it as a welcoming distraction and opened. It's seal.

As he read through it's contents, he was shocked at some of the names mentioned in the reports – these were original case files, notes, photographs. All pointing at the same thing – a huge corruption throughout the entire judicial and law enforcement communities of the City of New York. Knowing that there were going to be snitches circulating everywhere looking for information, and seeing who knows what, he chose to not alert anyone within the department, not even Ryan or Esposito. Though he had no doubts about their loyalty, it could accidentally slip in front of someone else, thus endangering their lives as well. Rick knew there was only one person in law enforcement that he could trust. Picking up his phone again, he scrolled through his contacts until he found the mobile number for Jordan Shaw.


	4. Chapter 4

_I don't know where all of this inspiration is coming from, but the story is just aching to escape!_

_Still don't own them. That would be a bit creepy…_

CHAPTER FOUR – Day 4 after the shooting

Jordan entered Kate's room with a bit of a treat – coffee and a bear claw. "I remember seeing someone else bring this to you – thought it might cheer you up."

Kate gladly took the miniscule breakfast from Jordan's hands – she hadn't eaten real food in days. Since leaving the hospital hidden among the sheets supposedly going to a local shelter, she'd been served only ration type foods, or the occasional burger from a chain restaurant that supposedly served billions, though she couldn't understand why with the quality of the food there.

"I had an interesting meeting last night. I recorded it – against his knowledge of course, so don't tell him – but I thought you'd like to listen."

Jordan opened the recorded notes app on her phone, and heard the muffled voices in conversation. At first she couldn't tell who the second voice was with all the crying, but after a few minutes her eyes widened and filled with tears as Rick's voice told Jordan of the events of the past week. Rick was pouring his heart out to her, and Kate could tell that he'd been holding this back from everyone else. Guess she was starting to rub off on him.

Their conversation slowed, and Jordan asked "Why did you want to see me in person Rick?"

Kate could hear some rustling sounds, as Rick was pulling the envelope out of his messenger bag, along with his ipad. Kate looked at Jordan confused for a moment, but Jordan just gave a nod as if to say "Just wait – this is going to get good."

She heard more rustling in the recording as Jordan had opened the envelope and browsed through the contents. As she began to see the importance of what she held in her hands, she looked at Rick. "When did these arrive?"

"A couple of days ago, but of course I've been a bit busy. I think Montgomery meant for us to return home from his funeral to find it, sort of as a last gift. There's a letter also – addressed to Kate. Guess now he'll get to explain himself in person rather than through a letter." It was at that moment that Jordan pulled out a business envelope containing a single letter, and handed it to Kate. Jordan paused the recording, allowing Kate to read the unopened letter.

_Detective Beckett-_

_Let me first say how proud I am of the never ending professionalism with which you do your job. Your spirit and strength are, as Castle often described, extraordinary. The dedication that you give to both the Force and to your victims and their families is unwavering. _

_I know that the past few days couldn't have been easy for any of you. Please know that I had my reasons for doing what I did. If I continued down this path, your life as well as my family's would have been in constant danger forever, all because of my sins of one night._

Roy went on to explain his involvement with Raglan and McAllistair, and the incident of the kidnapping involving Pulgatti. He gave details of others as well, but Beckett skimmed through, knowing she would be dissecting this letter for days, even months to come. She stopped when she saw the words turning personal again.

_Kate, I meant what I said about you and Castle. I returned home last night to find Lockwood standing in my doorway, holding one of my daughter's teddy bears. Years ago, after our Dragon found out you were now a cop and digging around in your mother's case, a hit was placed on your life. They were getting nervous about the information you were gathering and wanted you silenced. I bargained with them to let me handle you – keep you steered clear of their names and any involvement you could have found I had changed on the police records. I knew that should you get to close, they would come after you the way they did your mother._

_I've been running from my sins for years now. I've tried to atone for them by being the best cop I could be from that point forward, and by protecting you. These people mean business Kate, and I don't want to be seeing you up here anytime soon. This envelope contains many answers, but will also leave many questions about many people. I've seen you lose yourself in this case before, but this time is different. You have a choice to make: you can pass these files on to the FBI, or you can continue investigating on your own. You've seen the dangers that go along with option B, but I know you and I just ask you to think about walking away and letting someone else assume the dangers._

_I called Castle to meet me tonight after I'd called you. I've explained to him what was going to happen without all of the details why, but I know that he will all piece this together. He is good for you Kate. He loves you, and would sacrifice himself for you. In the years that I've known you, I've never seen you more at ease with any person – not Will, not Demming, not even your father. Please don't harbor any ill will towards him for what I've asked him to do. I hope that you will see the wisdom of what's going to happen tonight later on, and that it is some comfort to you to know that I saw you as one of my daughters, and did what I had to in order to keep you safe._

_Take care of yourself, Detective. And please forgive me._

_Roy_

Jordan then handed over a manilla envelope containing the altered records, photos, and notes. She then brought out an ipad, loaded with Castle's electronic copy of Kate's Mom's murder board. Kate looked at Jordan in awe and was speechless as she dove into the files, asking for pens and legal pads.

"Guess I don't have to worry about you being bored for a bit now, will I Kate?"

_Bear with me on updating the next chapter. This will be my first case writing experience, so it may take just a bit. Any advice would be appreciated…_


	5. Chapter 5

_Can't believe I'm getting so many alerts – and even favorites! Thanks to everyone for those – they make my day._

_Not sure how many updates I'll have this week on this story – going into graduation week, so I have a senior awards banquet, kindergarten and preschool graduations, a high school graduation and open house for my daughter, and then off for a week to see a Mouse. But as fast as these ideas are coming into my head, I might have several chapters to load at once upon my return. _

_Disclaimer: I don't own Castle, but I'm hoping for all three seasons on DVD for Christmas this year._

CHAPTER FIVE

It was 6:00, and Kate hadn't spoken a word since Jordan gave her the file that morning along with the ipad. It took her some time to learn the device, and she asked Jordan why she couldn't just have a dry erase board like usual.

"Kate, I don't want to scare you, but your safety is extremely important. You've been on this case, and not letting it go – pushing it for twelve years now. You broke it open, you found the links. Should our location be compromised, all of these paper files, while easy to sift through, can be quickly destroyed – there are backups on the ipad. All we'll have to do is grab it and run, leaving them no trace of what we know."

Kate understood, and asked Jordan to show her how to use the ipad to sort and sift the files, no longer touching them except to get a closer look at a picture – she still couldn't zoom back out of a photo, and Jordan had been gone for a bit, so she planned to ask for help on that later.

Noticing the sun's late position in the sky, Kate realized how long she'd been at work. Her stomach suddenly reminded her as well, and she ventured off to the kitchen to find something to quiet it's rumbles so she could get back to work. The sooner she finishes this case, the sooner she can get back to her family, her friends – to him.

Castle's words still rang in her ears. She knew he would be devastated by her proclaimed death but it would be too much danger for him to know the truth right now. The same with Ryan and Esposito – she couldn't endanger them should someone be tracking their movements. Her attackers would be looking for traces that she could still be alive for a long time, and anyone who knew the truth would be in danger.

Kate made a sample chicken salad sandwich with some fruit, and sat down at the table, forcing herself to not think about the case for a while. She thought of Castle's words again, his declaration of love. She worried for a moment that he was saying them just to provoke her, to distract her attention from the pain to argue with him and keep her alert until the ambulance arrived. But the look in his eyes, his salty tears falling on her face, told otherwise. What Lanie, Royce, even Roy had said was true. Richard Castle was in love with her, and her response was to deceive him. She hoped that once they solved this case he would understand and forgive her, that they all would. Kate would be heartbroken if he didn't. She'd never seen such devotion from a man before. She had put the feeling off as part of his shadowing – the way he was always around, came at the drop of a hat when she called. She had hoped it was more, and his declaration at the cemetery that day had proven this was true. She was terrified of the prospect of not being enough for him, but knew that for the past three years, she had been. He'd left actresses, models, even his unrealistically beautiful ex-wife all to the side just to join her on tracking down a lead.

Jordan walked into the kitchen and saw Kate deep in thought. She saw the ipad sitting on the table, but switched off, knowing that Kate could grab it quickly if they needed to vacation quickly. She could tell that the stress of the situation was taking a toll on Kate, so she had an idea. "When you finish that sandwich, let's take a walk." Kate was uncertain – she didn't want the security of their location compromised by her agitation, but thought Jordan would certainly know what she was doing with suggesting it, so she obliged.

Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Jordan had another purpose for their walk – she was introducing Kate to their escape route should something happen and their location and Kate's undead status be discovered. Jordan showed her the tunnel through the basement out to a ravine. "Once you hit the creek bed, go right and follow it down til it goes under a large bridge. A guard is stationed there, and he'll get you out of here." Kate wondered how many times this location had been used before, and realized that the FBI truly thought of everything. Except maybe heartbroken protectees. As they walked, Jordan pointed out several guards in tree stands and blinds throughout the woods, as well as possible hiding spots along the way down the creek bed.

Jordan noticed the sadness in Kate's eyes, and knew the burden that she was carrying. Kate chose that instant to speak. "Jordan, when you met with Castle, how was he?"

Jordan knew that question would eventually be asked. "Kate, I've never seen someone so hurt, so lifeless. I don't want to scare you, but I was very worried about him when I first saw him. After we went through the case information, I kept talking to him for a while, to let him unburden himself a bit. He's trying to stay strong for everyone else."

Kate nodded her head and kept her eyes to the ground. "You know, after I was shot, he told me he loved me. All I could do was to smile just a bit. I couldn't react anymore than that or I'd be giving away this evil ruse we're playing."

Jordan understood. "He told me what he'd said. He hoped that you'd heard him. I thought you might want to hear that part too. I accidentally left the recording device on for that part." She grinned widely at knowing the joy that this would bring to Kate, but also aware that it would break her heart to hear him in so much pain. "Let's head back up to the house and when you're ready, you can listen some more."


End file.
